drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
