the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
