why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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