Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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