Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
