I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize