if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
