i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
