she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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