my phone needs a breathalizer
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
