I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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