textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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