hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
did i walk over a car last night?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
