She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize