How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
