wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
