tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
