I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
