I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
