I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
