You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
