Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
