I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
