Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
