i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
