I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
