i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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