DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
