just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize