my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
