I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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