I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize