i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
