finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
