when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
