I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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