Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
