my soul wont recognize me after tonight
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i think i have herpe
just one?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
