she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
