I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
