just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
