I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I met the friendliest cop last night
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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