The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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