i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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