so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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