I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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