Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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