i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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