The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
