you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
