I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
