I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
