I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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