I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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