omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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