1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
