Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
