i used baking grease as lip gloss
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Is Oprah even human
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
