I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
