I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
