I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
